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Revenge will not ease your pain

Revenge will not ease your pain

Manuel Zetina told his friend he’d kill a cop when he got the chance. I don’t know a lot about Manuel, the young man who murdered my husband. But what I do know allows me to infer some things. He was a minority. He was looking for the belonging and power that gang...

Missing Your Pandemic Buddy

Missing Your Pandemic Buddy

Grief is: missing your pandemic partner. Your trauma buddy. The person you process your decisions with. . . . Being in a global crisis has put all of us in uncharted territory. There’s no handbook for handling quarantine and all the physical and emotional fallout from...

Pasting on a Smile

Pasting on a Smile

Grief is: pasting on a smile. For a girl with a bad case of RBF, grief did nothing to help my smile. Honestly, it’s ok not to smile. (Lord help those JW missionaries who paid a visit after Micah’s death. My scowl was probably frightening. I didn’t even attempt to be...

A Change of Plans

A Change of Plans

Grief is: a change of plans. This phrase is so understated it's shocking. And it's powerful. 13 years ago I planned to spend the rest of my life with Micah. Change of plans. 10 years ago I planned to have children and raise them with my husband. Change of plans. 3...

The Twins’ First Broncos Game

The Twins’ First Broncos Game

Grief is: sneaky. Last night the twins and I were cleaning up after dinner. Lots of shuffling and wiping and replacing of bits. And I heard the tinkle of metal. And without missing a heartbeat, my mind told me they were Micah's keys as he was coming home through the...

Birthday Grief

Birthday Grief

Grief is: buying a birthday cake for your dead husband's birthday and crying quietly through the aisles of Costco. We do a lot of "official" type things for Micah because of his #Lodd. We go to ceremonies and lay wreaths and listen to bagpipes. We do lots of things...

Make the Decision to Choose Joy

Make the Decision to Choose Joy

Grief is: making a decision to choose joy. (Some days your body chooses for you, and it's rarely joy- like panic attacks. 💩 happens 🤷‍♀️) But some days you get to choose whether to stay in bed or whether to fight the powerful compulsion of pain. The compulsion to...

A year ago today

A year ago today

Grief is: "a year ago today" A year ago today, we were celebrating Micah's last Thanksgiving. Family, friends, good food, littles yelling through the house, unintentioned turkey naps in wing backed chairs. You know, the best of this American holiday we honor through...

The Tale of the Fallen Tree

The Tale of the Fallen Tree

The other day, I was running errands. Painfully, slowly, with irritation at all the small things, because grief is like that. On my path of frustration, I happened to drive past this tree that completely stole my breath away. The imagery was so powerful, I made a...

Rachael Flick