Grief is : endurance. I probably had unrealistic expectations for myself. I probably thought if I dug deep enough and did enough therapy and self reflection, that I could shorten the duration or lessen the intensity of grief.
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When I imagined what life might look and feel like at 22 months after Micah’s death, I really wanted to believe that restoration would have come further than it has.
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When it hadn’t met my expectations for where I wanted to be. When #TraumaBrain still costs me my intellect, my memory and makes crowds of people feel like the sky is falling. When gratitude and mindfulness feel like annoying platitudes from people untried by the fire of suffering. When the weight of despair hangs like an anchor around my neck. Here, hope faded into the dark night of my soul.
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The Enemy began to taunt me in my pain. He said, surely if the Lord was going to rescue you, He would have come for you by now. Satan did what he does so well. He used my circumstances to attack the character of God. And I believed the Enemy. That God didn’t care about my suffering. The pain of trauma and tragedy is difficult to describe. But I felt like I was living in an electric chair, but unable to die.
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Here. Here, I felt unseen, unheard. At best I felt forgotten and at worst I felt abandoned by God. Here my hope for a future shriveled up and died.
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And I cried out to the Lord, in tears of anger and agony. LORD!! I need you to DO SOMETHING. I need you to SHOW me that you see me! That day, after months of waiting on the God who rides on the wings of the wind to my aid. That day, El Roi, the God who sees me, revealed an opportunity for me to retreat and to heal. The places He took me in healing are so deep, I’ll be processing them for months.
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But I did gain some perspective that empowers the endurance that grief and suffering require. 1 – cultivate relationships where you can be ugly honest. Ask those safe people for help and let them help you. 2- if our circumstances determine the character of God, then God is only as good as a flat tire, a cancer diagnosis or a lost loved one. 3 – if your understanding of God is too small, you’ll jump ship when your pain gets too big.
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The God who sees you loves you. Regardless of our pain and suffering His love endures forever. His goodness is the lynchpin of our entire existence. Cling to his love and persevere. He has not forgotten you. He refuses to abandon you. He is coming.
