Grief is: a change of plans. This phrase is so understated it’s shocking. And it’s powerful.
13 years ago I planned to spend the rest of my life with Micah. Change of plans.
10 years ago I planned to have children and raise them with my husband. Change of plans.
3 years ago, Micah and I planned to take the twins to Disneyworld together in the summer of 2018. Change of plans.
All last year, the kids begged me to take them to Disney. But I knew that without their daddy, that I could fill the spinning teacups with tears at the #HappiestPlaceOnEarth.
Becoming a single mom has been one of the hardest change of plans. I lost my coparent, my sounding board, my sick day backup. And let’s be honest. Micah was the “fun one.” He played hide and seek with them. He made a mini indoor golf course out of household items. He was the human jungle gym.
I’ve resisted and resented and railed against becoming a single parent for 21 months. I’ve felt inadequate, incompetent and ill equipped for single parenting, the hardest job on earth.
But inherent in grief is a change of plans. And I have chosen resilience. I have chosen growth. So I have allowed the Holy Spirit to poke and prod around in my pain for the purpose of restoration.
In the prodding, He began to fan the smoldering idea of Disney back into flame. Friends! It takes so much courage to hope! Hope is terrifying when you’ve been crushed and beaten nearly to death.
I was afraid I would fail my kids in our first vacation as a party of three. I was afraid that my grief would be what they remembered about Disney. I was afraid that missing Micah would overpower any joy or happiness.
And we did miss Daddy. We talked about all that he would have delighted in with us. But the Lord, defender of the widows, Father to the fatherless, was FAITHFUL.
In the excitement filled laughter, in the warmth of the twins’ hands in mine, in the sweetness of Mickey Mouse shaped icecream, God was weaving our hearts back together, giving us hope and a future. And He was infusing confidence in me as a single mom. That He can be trusted to change our plans.