Grief is: sneaky. Last night the twins and I were cleaning up after dinner. Lots of shuffling and wiping and replacing of bits.

And I heard the tinkle of metal. And without missing a heartbeat, my mind told me they were Micah’s keys as he was coming home through the back door. It sounded just. like. that.

Micah hasn’t come through the backdoor in almost 20 months. He never lived in our current home. In reality, Levi clinked some forks while unloading the dishwasher.

But my body responded in a breath and for the slightest second, I believed it. He was home. And then my mind stepped in and told me all the things I just told you. And I exhaled. I’ve really, really missed Micah the last couple days. I always miss him. But this week I’ve ached for his hug. The sound of his heart beating against my ear with my head on his chest.

Today I took the twins to their first Broncos game. Without their daddy who loved football and was an all weather, winning or losing Broncos fan. It hurt that we can go to this game because of him. But not with him.

But then I looked back at our pictures today and I saw something rare on my babes’ faces. Real, joy filled smiles. Toothy, crinkle eyed grins. And love. Just because my body told me yesterday that Micah was home and I lost him again in real time, didn’t keep the joy from coming in the morning. I’m clinging to that. That just because the night is so very dark, the darkness cannot keep new mercies from flowing in the morning light. And I’m watching for the joy. Clear eyes, open heart – watching.

#LODD #HumanizeTheBadge #ThinBlueLine #BlueLineWidow #MicahFlick #SoloParent #LifeAfterLoss #TwinsOfInstagram #Twinstagram #Broncos #Grief

Rachael Flick